What Are You Fighting For? The 4 Needs Behind Every Couple Fight

During conflicts, it's not what you're fighting about. It's not what you're fighting against. It's what you're fighting for. There are 4 categories of needs that most couples are fighting for. Dr. Corky Becker just co-authored a paper on it and presents them here. To read the full paper: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC13473024/ I'm Dr. Heena Manglani-Terranova, a Desi clinical psychologist in California. This week I sit down with Dr. Corky Becker, a couples therapist who has worked with couples since the 1970s and whose Family Process paper with John Sargent lays out the four things we fight for: connection, identity, agency, and values. In this episode, you'll learn what each one means, how to spot the lead horse in your own fight, and how to turn a complaint into a request. Then I hand Corky three composite couples, made up from patterns I've seen with Desi partners, and she works out what each one is fighting for. 00:00 Teaser — "I want to be a good Indian son, but I want to be a good American husband" 01:17 Meet Corky Becker: "what are you fighting for?" 04:54 The Esther Perel moment behind the question 07:13 How to stop reacting in a fight — advocate for yourself like you would for a friend 12:12 The four needs in relationships: connection, identity, agency, values 16:06 Competing values in South Asian couples — home-country legacy vs. American life 17:26 How the categories are an antidote to the four horsemen 19:42 Three composite couples: what is each one fighting for? 21:05 Case 1, in-law conflict couple 27:34 From complaint to request: a three-step map for any couple fight 32:11 Case 2, money and trust couple 44:33 Case 3, high reactivity couple 49:14 "Nobody gets unconditional love" 52:13 How to calm down mid-fight 57:55 Questions to find what you're fighting for 61:07 In-laws and the triangle and how to keep the focus between you two 63:23 When your values really clash: deal breakers vs. differences you can live with Each couple also has its own video: Case 1, the in-law conflict: https://youtu.be/bnqIzXA8jkQ Case 2, money and trust: https://youtu.be/wNvy_Tg9WhY Case 3, high reactivity: https://youtu.be/9mJk_5ZjJ6Y And if you want to share a drama you are in, message Dr. Heena at desi-dramas.com. She might unpack your tension in an upcoming episode. To find the podcast, resources, and contact Dr. Heena: Contact: https://desi-dramas.com/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desi-Dramas Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033j40tjJOYSJREHnoGBGS Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/desi-dramas/id1896851794 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desidramaspodcast TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desidramas Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/heena-manglani-terranova-san-diego-ca/1213462 #DesiDramas #DesiMentalHealth #SouthAsianMentalHealth #DesiTherapist #ImmigrantMentalHealth #couplestherapy #desimarriage #relationshipadvice #communicationskills #southasian