Escape Pod 850: Laser Squid Goes House Hunting

Laser Squid Goes House Hunting By Douglas DiCicco "This one has everything on your checklist." I held open the front door of the four-bedroom colonial. It wasn't quite big enough for my client, who left greasy marks on the doorframe as she squeezed through. "We can always get that expanded for you. We work with some excellent contractors in the area." A shriek from the living room told me Cynthia Whitecrest, the homeowner, hadn't cleared out as I had politely but firmly suggested. I prefer to show a house on my own. The owners always think they're better salespeople than I am. "Hello, Miss Whitecrest," I said with my practiced smile, ignoring the shriek. "I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be home. I'm showing the place to a potential buyer today. As I mentioned in my many texts." The last part was snarkier than I'd meant to be, but Cynthia was already on my last nerves. Cynthia cowered behind a tasteful sectional, white as a sheet. "Wh... wh... what is... that... creature...?" Oh no. She was going to offend the buyer. I needed to do some quick diplomacy. "Miss Whitecrest, let me introduce—" The client intervened before I had the chance. She dragged herself along the cherry hardwood floor, tentacles making a wet slapping sound with every movement. "You cower before Laser Squid, terror of the depths!"